Thursday, December 12, 2013

Sometimes it Actually Does Hurt

I write mostly about why I love my S so much or ways that I have discovered how to deal with being in a relationship with my S, but there are times when it is extremely painful for me. For the most part I have learned how to accept who he is and live in a fantasy world, but tonight isn't one of those nights.

Over 1000 miles away, my dad is in the hospital and it is awful for me. I moved a few months ago for a job offer. I felt ok accepting the position because he seemed to be doing better. He suffers from a traumatic brain injury that happened about three years ago. He had a lot of ups and mostly downs for the first couple of years and then sort of leveled off.

But I got a call from my brother saying that he fell a day ago and nobody knew. Which means my dad had been laying on the floor of his apartment for an entire day because of a seizure and he had with no one to help him.

Breaks my heart. And there's nothing I can do.

After being reassured that things are fine for now, I call my S. I want to hear his voice. I want to just have him say that he loves me and ask if I am doing ok.

But no. He's not answering my calls or texts.

It sucks at times my dear E's. I'll admit it.

It's the life I have chosen to live but tonight I am wishing I had another choice.

How to: Identify a Sociopath

So, you think you think you might have a cow-worker/boss/friend/lover/spouse/neighbor/parent who is Sociopath. You've gone through all the checklists and you've just about narrowed it down.

Here's even more identifying ways to figure out if you are dealing with an S or just a crazy normal person.

The following is an excerpt from Thomas Sheridan Arts that I think is a pretty fantastic and comprehensive list of ways to identify a Sociopath. His entire website is a great source of information, so if you like this, give his other stuff a glance.

THE REVEAL

If you experienced the following behaviour while in a relationship, or working with this person—then you probably knew a psychopath: 

Invented Personas to Manipulate Others 
Psychopaths are a different version of themselves for every person they interact with. They also have ‘group personas’ for family, organisational and workplace interaction. 

Highly Unreliable/Broken Promises 
Psychopaths will make the most incredibly ambitious plans including you as their right hand man or woman—then, on a whim, discard those plans and move on to some other crusade that excludes you. Targets often alter their own life plans to help the psychopath reach their imaginary goals, resulting in appalling emotional, psychological and financial chaos for the victims when the psychopath moves on. 

Idealisation Followed by Cold Rejection 
At the height of their idealisation of you, the psychopath will show you obsessive ‘love,’ care and attention. However, once they feel they have you where they want you—or the relationship has ended—if you collapsed in front of them on the street they would simply step over you as if they’d never met you and continue on their way. Outrageous and very personal smear campaigns against the discarded targets to falsely portray them as psychologically unstable, self-serving liars or abusers are often undertaken by psychopaths following the ending of a relationship. 

Becomes Obsessed with a Hobby, Cause, or Individual and then Loses Interest Instantly 
However, as soon as the relationship is established, the downward trajectory from idealisation of their targets and towards the inevitable devaluation and discarding begins in earnest. It may take weeks. It may take months. It often takes years. Nevertheless the psychopath always begins the devaluing of their victims as soon as the relationship is legitimised and is always on the lookout for an ‘upgrade’. 

Phony Altruism 
Buys into either secular and non-secular belief systems to appear superior or enlightened. Will align themselves with ‘morally popular’ causes to make themselves appear enlightened and with a sense of deep moral wisdom and compassion. But it is always a pose; the psychopath’s association with these causes is a veneer to fool others into trusting them. It’s always fake; always an agenda. 

There is Nothing Real Behind the Persona 
Behind the months or years of perfectly-constructed performance by your psychopath is a nothing: a void, a blank, a hunger for something the psychopathic entity can never define. They now see no further benefit in playing this part and have moved on to a new role. It is just business. You are treated to a completely new, cold and emotionless persona. “Who is this stranger?” you will ask yourself over and over again. It is so bewildering. 

The Sudden Goodbye 
Then the psychopath finds an upgrade, changes their persona, will often change their look, fashions and even change the subject when they suspect others are figuring them out and you begin asking questions. "Hey, never mind that, it is lovely weather we are having!" Stated in a chipper and almost giddy manner (with an obvious underlying glibness). They are repressing the internal excitement at having pulled a fast one on you.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Why a Socio Will Always Cheat

Remember my Sociopath friend, N? We had an interesting email exchange not too long ago. He sent me a link to an article that he knew I would like and we started an exchange about Socios and why they cheat on their partners. Here's what went down.

Empath Queen:
Do you do it because you get bored? Do you remember having the conversation with me when I said that I would be ok with my husband/boyfriend sleeping with other people as long as he was using a condom and not potentially bringing a disease home to me and not creating relationships with these people? Just sex. Nothing else. I am reading that a lot of ASPD/Socio/Narc seem to think this is a great idea, however, they say they would still rather pretend to be exclusive with each of the people they are in a "relationship" with. That's interesting...even when given a way out of monogamy, they would still prefer to live the lie.

N:

I think some of it is boredom. In large part it's sincere though - I just get strong impulses and crave sex from a particular woman I may have discarded or at least put on the backburner. Sometimes they give it to me, sometimes they don't.

The impulse can last for a few minutes to a few weeks.

Also ASPD and sociopathy aren't synonymous.

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/antisocial-personality-disorder/psychopathy-and-antisocial-personality-disorder-case-diagnostic-confusion-0

In fact, I'm still not even clear on the division between sociopathy and psychopathy... in DSM-IV they're synonymous but the DSM is generally acknowledged as crap. Mixed usage among other resources

I see what you're saying, but that's probably not the way a sociopath would see it. It's about dominance and control - "I" can cheat and fuck whoever I want, but my partner can't

Also the "open relationship" you're describing sounds nice. No doubt if a woman would offer me that, I would probably stay with her (assuming she interests and attracts me otherwise of course) for a long time.

But you can't put much faith in the sustainability of that. A real psychopath isn't going to care about the caveats (wear a condom; don't form a relationship; etc.)

They may tell you they are abiding by the rules, but at the end of the day, psychopaths abhor rules and feel above them - no matter where the rules are coming from.
I think the thing to note here in all its fullness is that no matter what you do (myself included), there will never be monogamy in your relationship with your S. No matter how hard you or they try. Their impulse seems to always be stronger than any sort of attachment they may have to you. Just some food for though my dearies.
Oh, and just to clarify,  I don't think that socios/psychos/narcs and any other personality disorder are the same thing. I just find that the traits overlap to some extent so I tend to group them together from time to time when talking about a topic that I see overlapping in each disorder.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Easy Prey for a Psychopath.

Are you one of them?

I came across this fantastic article, thanks to N, entitled: What is a Psychopath by Quantam Future School, which was a research project. They quote a lot of other research, but nonetheless, the following was really interesting to me and addresses the women who fall prey to Psychopaths.

The real danger about psychopaths is that some women, in particular, actually have a psychological predisposition towards forming attachments to them. They even fall in love with them. These women, usually of a hysteric or histrionic personality, feel empowered when attached to the psychopath, regardless of the truth she has been told about him, or regardless of what he himself has told her. Some of these women have an underlying fantasy to feel that they are in control with the psychopathic male (according to Meloy).
At the same time, I (Wendy Koenigsmann) often question whether it's only the "neurotics" who fall prey to psychopaths. It should be stated that Freud is responsible for the entire coinage of neurotic women, which makes me a bit suspicious. I will present the information, but at the same time, I'm not agreeing with it completely, because it seems that all women, regardless of their "neurotic" natures or not, are prey to psychopaths.
We've heard of the extreme cases, such as the women who fell in love with the Night-Stalker, Richard Ramirez, but in general, you will find psychopaths in quite innocuous places, and they always know how to spot a vulnerable woman who will feed their self-image of grandiosity. Of course, good looks help in these matters. The reason so many women fell in love with Ramirez, has been speculated, was probably also intensified because of his brooding, handsome looks and the fact that he could appear vulnerable, "like a little kid," said one admirer.
Whether or not being able to feel pity and compassion for a male makes a woman neurotic has yet to be proven.
The truth is, an attractive psychopath is probably more dangerous than a less attractive one, by all means.
For many women, the attachment to a psychopath goes beyond mere Freudian analysis -- many simply deny the truth, blindly trusting and ignoring reality. Some, even when presented with the cold hard facts, will still admit that they cannot stop loving their psychopathic partner, even after they've been discarded by him. This problem is both a psychosexual one (women with personality disorders themselves who become obsessed with psychopaths), or women who just won't admit to the truth or are ignorant about the situation. It can even be a combination of all factors.
Regardless, the psychopath knows whom to "choose."
Maybe it's the vulnerability displayed by a Psychopath or the oozing charm they seem to have...or maybe it's an issue with you, my Empath friend. 

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Book Review: Psychopath Free

I like to read about the encounters others have had with a Sociopath/Psychopath/Narcissist/Bi-Polar/ASPD and the many many other types of personality disorders there are out there. I don't know if it's because there's a part of me that wants to know how they finally overcame the relationship or because I am just slightly obsessed with these types of things.

Probably a little of both.

At any rate, I downloaded Psychopath Free, by a person who simply refers to themselves as "Peace". The book is only mildly interesting. I found that it focused mainly on blaming the psycho (general term here) for everything that happened and generalizes way too much. The author assumes that every empath goes through the same healing process and monsterizes psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists more than necessary in order to deflect from the empath taking any responsibility for their actions.

I got quite an eyeful from other reviewers after I posted my review on Amazon. So many comments accusing me of not knowing what it's really like and again victimizing themselves for what someone else did to them.

Look, I get it. socios can be damaging for a multitude of reasons. But never looking within to see why you were such an easy prey is a far more crippling issue. You can be the victim for the rest of your life or you can learn from the mistakes you've made, pick yourself up and find true happiness from within and be stronger the next time a relationship presents itself.

I didn't like the book and I would really hesitate to recommend it to anyone looking to find healing.

Friday, December 6, 2013

STDs and My S

I'm preparing for the backlash from all of you other Empath's on what I'm about to say, but I find that it works for my wonderful, sweet S...and therefore works in my benefit. Mostly.

Recently, my S and I had a little situation where the possibility of an std came up for me. To be completely fair, I don't know if I had one for sure. My doctor is really cool, and I think she may have felt a little bad for me...the bottom line is that it was either chlamydia or a horrible bacterial infection so she prescribed me a z-pack and said to let her know if it didn't clear up in three days and we would do a blood test.

I didn't push for anymore testing for a few reasons, the extra lab fees I didn't want to pay,the fact that the z-pack would probably work just fine and the best one: I didn't really want to know if it was the std.

Here's the thing, I know that my darling S is not able to be nailed down to sex with me only. It's a reality I had to accept not long into our relationship. It's not something we discuss, but we both know that i know.

Now, I have to admit, part of me wants to scream and yell at him and ask him why he would ever put me at risk. But as I have learned been trained by my S to do, I waited a couple of days until I was feeling better, both physically and mentally, and had a mature conversation with him. I told him that since I don't know either way what the issue is, I wouldn't dream of accusing him of anything. I then told him that I get it if he wants to have sex with other women, I know him and I know his sexual appetite. He was quick to deny that he has been with anyone since he and I first began dating and I stopped him from continuing.

I explained that I realize that we operate differently and that while I would never sleep with anyone else I don't expect him to uphold that on his end. My only three requests are:


  1. That he cannot be in relationships with any other women. Meaning that if it is sex only, then I get that, but that I don't want him investing into anyone else.
  2. That he wears a condom and gets checked for STDs on a regular basis for my health if not his own.
  3. That he never tells me about it. I do believe that what I don't know can't hurt me (especially if he adheres to rule #2.


I'm pretty sure that I shocked him. He said that he was really impressed by how I handled the situation and that if it was possible, he loved me even more because of it.

Maybe I'm crazy for being open enough to give him the ok on this, or maybe I am incredibly smart for giving my S the freedom he really craves while showing him that I am not worried about other women.

Bottom line: I know my wonderful, sexy S loves me. I really do. He knows that I am devoted to him entirely and that he is my world. Our little world works for us.

Maybe you can't fathom doing this. Maybe you are feeling sorry for me because I should have more self worth.

Don't.

I have exactly what I want. My incredible, amazing and loving S.